迟到了六年的回信

最后一次剖文竟然是2016年末 本来我以为 这个地方会被我永远遗弃

最近因为新冠肺炎 马来西亚从18号已经进入了行动管制并且锁国的状态 

除了超市药局一些卖必需品的店家 其余的都不能营业 大家都需要待在家里防疫

对我这种宅到没朋友的人来说相当的简单

早上睡到自然醒 划手机划到肚子饿起来吃个早餐 

心情好可以做一些有的没的食物 

比如：做个蛋糕 弄个甜点 和个面团 包个饺子 等等

收拾堆满灰的房间 开取断舍离模式疯狂丢掉不需要的东西

整理完后只能说  太 ！舒！ 服！ 了！

嗯好像太多废话了 咱进入正题吧

最近上网的时间变多了 放空的时间也变多了 

比如昨天 我就整理硬盘里的照片看到一堆N年前的照片

不能说想念以前的日子 毕竟我更喜欢现在的自己而且现在确实幸福多了 

只能说 是不是有些人有些事 应该在有生之年（嗯？）做个了断 画上完美的句号

这是一封迟到了快六年的信 

虽然我觉得压根没人会莫名其妙来看这个被我遗弃的角落

可是who cares 看了也好没看也罢

反正我自己写完这封信 也算是了了这些年的心结 

曾经我因为你的离开很难过很痛苦甚至想不开

一度想要委屈自己去求你原谅（对 就是委屈）

可是我没有 而且非常庆幸我没有这么做

因为现在想来 就算没有当年的事 我们之后肯定也会因为别的事情疏远

毕竟 我们从来都不是一个世界的人 价值观 世界观 人生观 都不一样 

以前的我很不懂 可能是因为小时候常被欺负的原因让我极度自卑 

非常喜欢热脸贴冷屁股 其实严格来说不是喜欢 是下意识的会这么做 

喜欢跟着别人做他们爱做的事 试图想要融入别人的圈子 了解他们爱聊的话题

会为了讨人喜欢 喜欢制作精细 会记得每个人的生日并且精心准备 

会因为好朋友不开心而特地大老远去买一杯星巴克送到她家只为博她一笑

碰了钉子碰了壁 跌跌撞撞这么些年才明白 

当你做你自己的时候 对的人会出现

真正和你三观一致的人 根本不需要你刻意的讨好 

现在才明白 勉强没有幸福 爱情是这样 友情也是这样

看回之前你剖的文心还是有点酸酸的 

毕竟 我们那时候是真的要好真的开心 

曾经我以为你很懂我 可是事实并非如此 

你说我变了 确实 那一阵子是我的低潮期 

家庭因素让我心里非常不平衡

第一年第一学期上大学 学习压力很大 （而且还遇到很雷的队友）

当时的男朋友也渣得不得了

所以我的情绪非常不稳定 长期活在情绪低潮里

而你 是我当时候最要好的朋友 甚至可以说是闺蜜 

我们因为一年没见所以见面了自然会跟你聊很多事情 

包括近况 包括心事 等等

你是我最信任的人 所以我的心事我都会告诉你 

我不奢望你能拉我一把 你没有这个义务要帮助我 

可是 跟你掏心掏肺 竟然变成了让你厌恶我的导火线 

是 没有人喜欢被负能量包围 

是 没有人有义务被当作情绪垃圾桶 

可是 你难道没有过低潮期吗？ 

你没有过心情低落的时候吗？ 

你没有过情绪不稳定的时候吗？

当你失恋 哭的死去活来的时候 

当你觉得你没人要 说你要自杀的时候 

当你学习压力大 陷入低潮的时候

你的这些时候还少吗？

如果我在这些时候说你太烦了然后离你而去你会是什么感觉？

况且很多时候 我只是再推特或者部落格上发文宣泄 而不是直接密你

如果这样你也觉得不耐烦 我真的怀疑你对好朋友的定义是什么 

我们的一切 你说断就断 

发个文 退个追踪 删个好友 就结束了

对你来说 仿佛我们经历的一切都只是一场梦

又或者 根本没发生过一样...

你说你很感激也很谢谢我为你做的一切 

为你做的一切事 都会是我第一次也是最后一次为任何人做

我也谢谢你在我生命里出现过 

如果不是这件事 我搞不好现在还是像以前一样白目

至于你说的 我什么都要学你
Well, that is not true.
You love carbonara/alfredo pastas and I don't like them.
You hated KFC and fried food but i fuckin' love fried chicken.
You love all the Chanel bags and the expensive stuff, I am not interested at all.
You love cosmetics and make ups and I barely know any of them. (at least during the time we're friends)
You use sugar as you condiments to cook and I don't do that.
You don't like nutella and I don't like banana cupcakes either.

You love roti bom, pisang goreng cheese and tuna pizza, I don't like any of them.
You like night clubs and the only 2 times I went to clubs in my whole life is because you asked me to join, not becuase I wanted to friggin' fit in.
You flirt with other people while being in a relationship and I'm so mad at you. If I just wanna fit in, I can easily ignore that because it's non of my business. But I'm not happy about that and didn't talk to you the whole night.

是 你有的东西我也有 那是因为我觉得我们有个姐妹同款的东西我很开心
而并不是我什么都要学你们 而且我并不知道你其实不喜欢/不开心
既然你那时候都已经不开心了为何不直接告诉我？
难道我是偷偷把东西买了没有告诉你吗？
我买任何东西之前都会跟你说我想买这个那个吧？
那时候不说 事后在这里翻旧账 是在哈喽 ☺️
你做饼干 我也做饼干 那是我们有一样的兴趣 并不是我就是想和你一样才做的饼干 （而且乾 那个饼干是真的好吃）

到底是有多厌恶多讨厌我 才会把这些对我的不满 丝毫不顾及我的感受 发在你公开的部落格上 

从今往后 你走你的独木桥 我走我的阳关道 

咱俩互不相欠 各自安好 

Updates!

suddenly have the urge to update and blog that's why i'm here. but idk why lol. don't really have any feel to blog for such a long time and i thought that i would just stop just like that, and never updating anymore but, oh well.

the last time i actually wrote something proper is 6 months ago? i remember i said that i don't know if i should continue and yup, i stopped immediately after that. despite the song list that i'd posted randomly on July.

it's already 18th December and there's only less than 2 week left for year 2016, i feel that if i don't note down some major events that happened in my life, i'll soon forget everything because i'm getting older fml. turning into friggin' 21 in 5 months time. oh wait, it's 22!!

looking back to some of my previous post for year 2016, it's all so emotional?? and i think that's why i stop posting stuff. or maybe it's just me being lifeless lol that's why nothing to update. talking about being fully contented in your University years, thinking about it makes me tired already, mentally and physically. being a part of the student committee or the international student association? joining tons of club activities and make myself super busy every single night? work for part time everyday after school until late at night? or just go clubbing and get drunk because yolo? no, that's not for me. all i want to do is to chill after school. go dapau something, get back home, lay on my bed and there it goes. ah that's not what i want / plan to be before coming to Taiwan, bad influence!! (hi colleen). i tried working part time at a local fast food restaurant after my summer break but... my body isn't ready and i was sick immediately after continuously 8 days of working until 12midnight. i quit after that because i sprain my waist hahahaha. not something to be proud of forget about it. colleen once told me about her high school friend studying at another University, ride motorcycle with a bunch of friend for 4-5 hours straight from Kaohsiung to Kenting just to watch the sunrise and went back to class immediately for lesson. isn't that crazy? i tried going for midnight karaoke from 11pm till 6am the next morning and i slept straight until 4pm that day. i don't know, maybe i don't have a bunch of friends thats crazy enough to influence me.

major events:
- daddy bought a car for me.
- moved house again because the place i stay before was at the manufacturing area so the air condition there is very bad.
- signed up for gym & had been very hard core.
- went to dodo's concert the other day, so happy.
- new squad: amber, amy & colleen.
- going to Taipei for Christmas 2016 with Colleen! very excited.

7月歌單排行榜

1. 演員
2. 你 好不好
3. 剛剛好
4. 一路上有你
5. 自然卷
6. 一首情歌
7. 有星星的晚上
8. 兩個恰恰好
9. 愛不持久
10. Counting on God

back on track, or not.

neglected this place for quite some time and i think it's time to get back on track. been really busy dealing with finals for the past one month until the end of June, and busy packing up every single thing in my hostel (because I'm finally moving out!) to my new unit down at the city. it had been almost a week after moving in to my new place, and had finally settle down everything.

beside neglecting this blog, i've also neglected my youtube business for one whole semester. not that i lost interest, but the second semester was way more things to do than the first semester. and also because i have lesser friends to hang out during the weekends because Max went back to China, and there goes my only out going friend. Colleen is a couch potato, she'll never hang out with me as long as she got home during weekends. and Amber had to work during weekends. so here comes my lifeless second semester.

i don't know if i should continue? either blogging or vlogging. i had this intention of ending up both but i'm not sure. been feeling really gloomy recently for idk what reason. yes, i'm happy that i moved out and now i have this nest that's own by myself, but idk i'm just emotionally and mentally depressed. but probably just tired and bored because i had nothing to do for the past week staying inside my room watching TV and videos, ordering Pizza and McDonalds delivery occasionally while waiting for my mum to come this Saturday!

let me show you my new room.

分手365天

從分手後的第一個星期 第一個月 半年 到現在 我們分手已經是一年前的事

時間在不知不覺中 一點一滴得過去 而我在這一年裡 到底是怎麼度過的

我已經記不起來事發後的第一個星期我都怎麼過 在做什麼

只記得那時候同時兼了兩份工 也正好讓我趁這機會嚐一下偶像劇裡面分手後必有的劇情 用工作麻痺自己

同時兼了兩份差幫上了很多忙 基本上我根本沒時間想一大堆有的沒的

沒有預料之中的暴飲暴食 沒有一如往常的泣不成聲 也沒有消失不見的爛戲碼

因為心 痛到一個境界 便已經沒有剩餘的力氣哭

我只知道那時候 我不斷得往回走 你卻已經開始飛向未來 

但至少我明白了一件事 付出是危險的開始 

付出就像是一個開關 一旦開啟 就會上癮

多少次又多少次 回憶把生活畫成了一個圈 而我們在原地轉了無數次 無法解脫

總是希望能夠再一次的機會回到最初相識的時候 如果可以從來 結局會不會不一樣

很多時候 我們明知道沒路了 還是堅持繼續往前走 因為習慣了

以為蒙上了眼睛就可以看不見這個世界

以為唔住了耳朵就可以聽不見世界上的煩惱

以為停下腳步心就可以不再走遠

以為我需要的愛情 只是一個擁抱

愛情其實不需要假裝 不需要假裝自己很懂事 不需要假裝自己不黏人

很多時候我們會委屈自己去愛一個人 明知道是錯的 也要去堅持

但是原來 很辛苦的愛 不是真愛 

曾經對著大海大喊 “呂XX 你這個王八蛋”

希望終有一天可以笑著說出那些曾經的遺憾 可以含淚道出那些曾經的不見

輕縷髮絲 褶平衣角 心裡的動容為再次相見

曾經想過各式各樣與你重逢的場景

破口大罵 世界大戰 視而不見 四目相對 還是 插肩 回眸 淺笑 轉身 

冬天過了 在不知不覺中恢復了原有的力氣 迎接新的陽光

這一年裡 要感謝朋友們的關心 在過程中陪著我 

不管是陪著我落淚 買醉 看電影 還是安靜的聽我吐苦水的 都要謝謝你們的陪伴 謝謝你們在過程中不離不棄的陪伴 陪我度過人生現階段最痛苦的時候 陪著我一起成長

有些時候 有人問我是不是該找新男朋友了 我每一次都會逞強得說: “你沒有聽過一朝被蛇咬得典故嗎？我現在不需要男朋友這種鬼東西!” 尤其在這段期間目睹了各式各樣的失敗愛情 也陪伴了很多和我一樣失戀的好朋友 更是讓我和“穩定交往中”這個頭銜的距離拉得越來越遠 

特別感謝上帝在這段時間的帶領和保佑 

在黑暗的無底洞裡成為我道路上的光 引導我找回自己

也感謝讓我有機會經歷這些的風風雨雨 因為現在回頭看看 我很慶幸有那些折騰 讓我過的很自在

雖然鬧得不歡而散連朋友也做不成 但是快樂的回憶 記在心裡 就足夠了

原來愛情 也不過就是如此