bits of deep thoughts

I find that I've turned into a very different person. not out-going, not sociable, not that idiot whose friendly to almost everyone, and not that easy going person, not anymore. I still remember few years ago, making friends were super easy! I still remember the effort I put on everyone just to make them like me. I still remember people calling me pistachio, because it actually means happy pill in Chinese.

What does it feels like when you see yourself in the phase where you start transforming, not knowing that it's in a good or bad way? I cannot say that this is a good change, because i start to not talk to anyone unless the other person starts talking. Bringing up a topic had never been this difficult... I cannot say this is bad either because this is the time where i find my true friends, i don't have to lower down myself every single time to talk to people, i don't have to put so much effort on people anymore especially when he/she never put effort on me, never care. 

What happened to me, you ask? I have no idea. Maybe it's because i've been through some difficult times that i wouldn't want to remember lead me to this, or maybe this is just the real me. I remember myself being loud, crazy and noisy every single time because no joke, i'm a real loud speaker back then. I tried asking my friends what does this mean, they say it's just me growing up? they say this means i don't care if i have a lot of friends, all i want is just to be alone. but in the other hand, my mum say growing up is even how much hate you have on that person, you can still talk to them and work with them. this is growing up.

for real, i think i'm good like this, being quiet and all. if anti-social is the word, yes use it. i've put a lot of effort on a lot of people, yet they left me. so maybe it's time to stop all these? i don't know tho, maybe another person will appear and the "old" me will be back? i don't know...