迟到了六年的回信

最后一次剖文竟然是2016年末 本来我以为 这个地方会被我永远遗弃

最近因为新冠肺炎 马来西亚从18号已经进入了行动管制并且锁国的状态 

除了超市药局一些卖必需品的店家 其余的都不能营业 大家都需要待在家里防疫

对我这种宅到没朋友的人来说相当的简单

早上睡到自然醒 划手机划到肚子饿起来吃个早餐 

心情好可以做一些有的没的食物 

比如：做个蛋糕 弄个甜点 和个面团 包个饺子 等等

收拾堆满灰的房间 开取断舍离模式疯狂丢掉不需要的东西

整理完后只能说  太 ！舒！ 服！ 了！

嗯好像太多废话了 咱进入正题吧

最近上网的时间变多了 放空的时间也变多了 

比如昨天 我就整理硬盘里的照片看到一堆N年前的照片

不能说想念以前的日子 毕竟我更喜欢现在的自己而且现在确实幸福多了 

只能说 是不是有些人有些事 应该在有生之年（嗯？）做个了断 画上完美的句号

这是一封迟到了快六年的信 

虽然我觉得压根没人会莫名其妙来看这个被我遗弃的角落

可是who cares 看了也好没看也罢

反正我自己写完这封信 也算是了了这些年的心结 

曾经我因为你的离开很难过很痛苦甚至想不开

一度想要委屈自己去求你原谅（对 就是委屈）

可是我没有 而且非常庆幸我没有这么做

因为现在想来 就算没有当年的事 我们之后肯定也会因为别的事情疏远

毕竟 我们从来都不是一个世界的人 价值观 世界观 人生观 都不一样 

以前的我很不懂 可能是因为小时候常被欺负的原因让我极度自卑 

非常喜欢热脸贴冷屁股 其实严格来说不是喜欢 是下意识的会这么做 

喜欢跟着别人做他们爱做的事 试图想要融入别人的圈子 了解他们爱聊的话题

会为了讨人喜欢 喜欢制作精细 会记得每个人的生日并且精心准备 

会因为好朋友不开心而特地大老远去买一杯星巴克送到她家只为博她一笑

碰了钉子碰了壁 跌跌撞撞这么些年才明白 

当你做你自己的时候 对的人会出现

真正和你三观一致的人 根本不需要你刻意的讨好 

现在才明白 勉强没有幸福 爱情是这样 友情也是这样

看回之前你剖的文心还是有点酸酸的 

毕竟 我们那时候是真的要好真的开心 

曾经我以为你很懂我 可是事实并非如此 

你说我变了 确实 那一阵子是我的低潮期 

家庭因素让我心里非常不平衡

第一年第一学期上大学 学习压力很大 （而且还遇到很雷的队友）

当时的男朋友也渣得不得了

所以我的情绪非常不稳定 长期活在情绪低潮里

而你 是我当时候最要好的朋友 甚至可以说是闺蜜 

我们因为一年没见所以见面了自然会跟你聊很多事情 

包括近况 包括心事 等等

你是我最信任的人 所以我的心事我都会告诉你 

我不奢望你能拉我一把 你没有这个义务要帮助我 

可是 跟你掏心掏肺 竟然变成了让你厌恶我的导火线 

是 没有人喜欢被负能量包围 

是 没有人有义务被当作情绪垃圾桶 

可是 你难道没有过低潮期吗？ 

你没有过心情低落的时候吗？ 

你没有过情绪不稳定的时候吗？

当你失恋 哭的死去活来的时候 

当你觉得你没人要 说你要自杀的时候 

当你学习压力大 陷入低潮的时候

你的这些时候还少吗？

如果我在这些时候说你太烦了然后离你而去你会是什么感觉？

况且很多时候 我只是再推特或者部落格上发文宣泄 而不是直接密你

如果这样你也觉得不耐烦 我真的怀疑你对好朋友的定义是什么 

我们的一切 你说断就断 

发个文 退个追踪 删个好友 就结束了

对你来说 仿佛我们经历的一切都只是一场梦

又或者 根本没发生过一样...

你说你很感激也很谢谢我为你做的一切 

为你做的一切事 都会是我第一次也是最后一次为任何人做

我也谢谢你在我生命里出现过 

如果不是这件事 我搞不好现在还是像以前一样白目

至于你说的 我什么都要学你
Well, that is not true.
You love carbonara/alfredo pastas and I don't like them.
You hated KFC and fried food but i fuckin' love fried chicken.
You love all the Chanel bags and the expensive stuff, I am not interested at all.
You love cosmetics and make ups and I barely know any of them. (at least during the time we're friends)
You use sugar as you condiments to cook and I don't do that.
You don't like nutella and I don't like banana cupcakes either.

You love roti bom, pisang goreng cheese and tuna pizza, I don't like any of them.
You like night clubs and the only 2 times I went to clubs in my whole life is because you asked me to join, not becuase I wanted to friggin' fit in.
You flirt with other people while being in a relationship and I'm so mad at you. If I just wanna fit in, I can easily ignore that because it's non of my business. But I'm not happy about that and didn't talk to you the whole night.

是 你有的东西我也有 那是因为我觉得我们有个姐妹同款的东西我很开心
而并不是我什么都要学你们 而且我并不知道你其实不喜欢/不开心
既然你那时候都已经不开心了为何不直接告诉我？
难道我是偷偷把东西买了没有告诉你吗？
我买任何东西之前都会跟你说我想买这个那个吧？
那时候不说 事后在这里翻旧账 是在哈喽 ☺️
你做饼干 我也做饼干 那是我们有一样的兴趣 并不是我就是想和你一样才做的饼干 （而且乾 那个饼干是真的好吃）

到底是有多厌恶多讨厌我 才会把这些对我的不满 丝毫不顾及我的感受 发在你公开的部落格上 

从今往后 你走你的独木桥 我走我的阳关道 

咱俩互不相欠 各自安好 

Updates!

suddenly have the urge to update and blog that's why i'm here. but idk why lol. don't really have any feel to blog for such a long time and i thought that i would just stop just like that, and never updating anymore but, oh well.

the last time i actually wrote something proper is 6 months ago? i remember i said that i don't know if i should continue and yup, i stopped immediately after that. despite the song list that i'd posted randomly on July.

it's already 18th December and there's only less than 2 week left for year 2016, i feel that if i don't note down some major events that happened in my life, i'll soon forget everything because i'm getting older fml. turning into friggin' 21 in 5 months time. oh wait, it's 22!!

looking back to some of my previous post for year 2016, it's all so emotional?? and i think that's why i stop posting stuff. or maybe it's just me being lifeless lol that's why nothing to update. talking about being fully contented in your University years, thinking about it makes me tired already, mentally and physically. being a part of the student committee or the international student association? joining tons of club activities and make myself super busy every single night? work for part time everyday after school until late at night? or just go clubbing and get drunk because yolo? no, that's not for me. all i want to do is to chill after school. go dapau something, get back home, lay on my bed and there it goes. ah that's not what i want / plan to be before coming to Taiwan, bad influence!! (hi colleen). i tried working part time at a local fast food restaurant after my summer break but... my body isn't ready and i was sick immediately after continuously 8 days of working until 12midnight. i quit after that because i sprain my waist hahahaha. not something to be proud of forget about it. colleen once told me about her high school friend studying at another University, ride motorcycle with a bunch of friend for 4-5 hours straight from Kaohsiung to Kenting just to watch the sunrise and went back to class immediately for lesson. isn't that crazy? i tried going for midnight karaoke from 11pm till 6am the next morning and i slept straight until 4pm that day. i don't know, maybe i don't have a bunch of friends thats crazy enough to influence me.

major events:
- daddy bought a car for me.
- moved house again because the place i stay before was at the manufacturing area so the air condition there is very bad.
- signed up for gym & had been very hard core.
- went to dodo's concert the other day, so happy.
- new squad: amber, amy & colleen.
- going to Taipei for Christmas 2016 with Colleen! very excited.

7月歌單排行榜

1. 演員
2. 你 好不好
3. 剛剛好
4. 一路上有你
5. 自然卷
6. 一首情歌
7. 有星星的晚上
8. 兩個恰恰好
9. 愛不持久
10. Counting on God

back on track, or not.

neglected this place for quite some time and i think it's time to get back on track. been really busy dealing with finals for the past one month until the end of June, and busy packing up every single thing in my hostel (because I'm finally moving out!) to my new unit down at the city. it had been almost a week after moving in to my new place, and had finally settle down everything.

beside neglecting this blog, i've also neglected my youtube business for one whole semester. not that i lost interest, but the second semester was way more things to do than the first semester. and also because i have lesser friends to hang out during the weekends because Max went back to China, and there goes my only out going friend. Colleen is a couch potato, she'll never hang out with me as long as she got home during weekends. and Amber had to work during weekends. so here comes my lifeless second semester.

i don't know if i should continue? either blogging or vlogging. i had this intention of ending up both but i'm not sure. been feeling really gloomy recently for idk what reason. yes, i'm happy that i moved out and now i have this nest that's own by myself, but idk i'm just emotionally and mentally depressed. but probably just tired and bored because i had nothing to do for the past week staying inside my room watching TV and videos, ordering Pizza and McDonalds delivery occasionally while waiting for my mum to come this Saturday!

let me show you my new room.

分手365天

從分手後的第一個星期 第一個月 半年 到現在 我們分手已經是一年前的事

時間在不知不覺中 一點一滴得過去 而我在這一年裡 到底是怎麼度過的

我已經記不起來事發後的第一個星期我都怎麼過 在做什麼

只記得那時候同時兼了兩份工 也正好讓我趁這機會嚐一下偶像劇裡面分手後必有的劇情 用工作麻痺自己

同時兼了兩份差幫上了很多忙 基本上我根本沒時間想一大堆有的沒的

沒有預料之中的暴飲暴食 沒有一如往常的泣不成聲 也沒有消失不見的爛戲碼

因為心 痛到一個境界 便已經沒有剩餘的力氣哭

我只知道那時候 我不斷得往回走 你卻已經開始飛向未來 

但至少我明白了一件事 付出是危險的開始 

付出就像是一個開關 一旦開啟 就會上癮

多少次又多少次 回憶把生活畫成了一個圈 而我們在原地轉了無數次 無法解脫

總是希望能夠再一次的機會回到最初相識的時候 如果可以從來 結局會不會不一樣

很多時候 我們明知道沒路了 還是堅持繼續往前走 因為習慣了

以為蒙上了眼睛就可以看不見這個世界

以為唔住了耳朵就可以聽不見世界上的煩惱

以為停下腳步心就可以不再走遠

以為我需要的愛情 只是一個擁抱

愛情其實不需要假裝 不需要假裝自己很懂事 不需要假裝自己不黏人

很多時候我們會委屈自己去愛一個人 明知道是錯的 也要去堅持

但是原來 很辛苦的愛 不是真愛 

曾經對著大海大喊 “呂XX 你這個王八蛋”

希望終有一天可以笑著說出那些曾經的遺憾 可以含淚道出那些曾經的不見

輕縷髮絲 褶平衣角 心裡的動容為再次相見

曾經想過各式各樣與你重逢的場景

破口大罵 世界大戰 視而不見 四目相對 還是 插肩 回眸 淺笑 轉身 

冬天過了 在不知不覺中恢復了原有的力氣 迎接新的陽光

這一年裡 要感謝朋友們的關心 在過程中陪著我 

不管是陪著我落淚 買醉 看電影 還是安靜的聽我吐苦水的 都要謝謝你們的陪伴 謝謝你們在過程中不離不棄的陪伴 陪我度過人生現階段最痛苦的時候 陪著我一起成長

有些時候 有人問我是不是該找新男朋友了 我每一次都會逞強得說: “你沒有聽過一朝被蛇咬得典故嗎？我現在不需要男朋友這種鬼東西!” 尤其在這段期間目睹了各式各樣的失敗愛情 也陪伴了很多和我一樣失戀的好朋友 更是讓我和“穩定交往中”這個頭銜的距離拉得越來越遠 

特別感謝上帝在這段時間的帶領和保佑 

在黑暗的無底洞裡成為我道路上的光 引導我找回自己

也感謝讓我有機會經歷這些的風風雨雨 因為現在回頭看看 我很慶幸有那些折騰 讓我過的很自在

雖然鬧得不歡而散連朋友也做不成 但是快樂的回憶 記在心裡 就足夠了

原來愛情 也不過就是如此

Enrique Iglesias

Would you dance, if i asked you to dance? 

Would you run, and never look back? 

Would you cry, if you saw me crying? 

Would you save my soul tonight? 

Would you tremble, if i touched your lips? 

Would you laugh? Oh, please tell me this. 

Now, would you die for the one you love? 

Hold me in your arms, tonight. 

I can be your hero, baby.

I can kiss away the pain.

I will stand by you forever.

You can take my breath away.

Would you swear that you'll always be mine?

Would you lie? Would you run and hide?

Am i too deep? Have i lost my mind?

I don't care, you're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.

I can kiss away the pain.

I will stand by you forever. 

You can take my breath away.

Oh, i just want to hold you.

I just want to hold you.

Am i in too deep? Have i lost my mind? 

Well, i don't care. You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.

I can kiss away the pain.

I will stand by you forever. 

You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.

i can kiss away the pain.

And i will stand by you forever.

You can take my breath away.

Hero - Enrique Iglesias

bits of deep thoughts

I find that I've turned into a very different person. not out-going, not sociable, not that idiot whose friendly to almost everyone, and not that easy going person, not anymore. I still remember few years ago, making friends were super easy! I still remember the effort I put on everyone just to make them like me. I still remember people calling me pistachio, because it actually means happy pill in Chinese.

What does it feels like when you see yourself in the phase where you start transforming, not knowing that it's in a good or bad way? I cannot say that this is a good change, because i start to not talk to anyone unless the other person starts talking. Bringing up a topic had never been this difficult... I cannot say this is bad either because this is the time where i find my true friends, i don't have to lower down myself every single time to talk to people, i don't have to put so much effort on people anymore especially when he/she never put effort on me, never care. 

What happened to me, you ask? I have no idea. Maybe it's because i've been through some difficult times that i wouldn't want to remember lead me to this, or maybe this is just the real me. I remember myself being loud, crazy and noisy every single time because no joke, i'm a real loud speaker back then. I tried asking my friends what does this mean, they say it's just me growing up? they say this means i don't care if i have a lot of friends, all i want is just to be alone. but in the other hand, my mum say growing up is even how much hate you have on that person, you can still talk to them and work with them. this is growing up.

for real, i think i'm good like this, being quiet and all. if anti-social is the word, yes use it. i've put a lot of effort on a lot of people, yet they left me. so maybe it's time to stop all these? i don't know tho, maybe another person will appear and the "old" me will be back? i don't know...

當我想你的時候

那一天我漫步在夕陽下 看見一對戀人相互依偎

那一刻往事湧上心頭 剎那間我淚如雨下

昨夜我竟呆立雨中 望著街對面一動不動

那一刻彷彿回到從前 不由得我已淚流滿面

至少有十年我不曾流淚 至少有十首歌給我安慰

可現在我會莫名的哭泣 當我想你的時候

生命就像是一場告別 從起點對一切說再見

你擁有的僅僅是傷痕 在回望來路的時候

那天我們相遇在街上 彼此寒暄並報以微笑

我們像朋友般揮手道別 轉身後已淚流滿面

至少有十年我不曾流淚 至少有一些人給我安慰

可現在我會莫名的哭泣 但我想你的時候

可現在我會莫名的心碎 但我想你的時候

twenty second of march

1. was reminded that this week is already the 5th week of this semester and midterm is on week 8! haven't really settled down to study, not even a little ever since the beginning of this semester. mainly because sherry is here in Taiwan and we meet up almost once in 10 days on average! *blames sherry* hehe.

2. poured some curry sauce on my trackpad and it's not functioning anymore. went to ask for the price to fix it and it's NTD6000, crazy! ignored the trackpad function and bought a mouse instead.

3. just came back from Taichung yesterday afternoon, it was a good weekend! ate so much good food, meet friends (and sherry again ugh) and we actually decide to ride a bike from fengchia back to our hostel. talking about hostel, i filmed a little about my trip to Taichung and i hope the video will be up soon!

4. the urge of getting a bunny as a pet strikes at me today! spend the entire 3 hours lesson googling places to adopt/buy a bunny, dos and don'ts to bunnies and everything. i always wanted a puppy as a pet but never had a chance. i hope i can get a bunny but i'm still considering because i'm not sure if the landlord allows, and also i heard that bunnies will die anytime (?!), as in they die easier than other pets but i'm not really sure. have to do more research before doing any decision.

5. the famous green tea milk spread i ordered online just arrived today and i'm super excited! tried immediately and straight away i fell in love with it! it was so, so good! slightly expensive than other spreads but it's worth a try!

6. just had a 12-inch Subway as dinner and i'm super full.

sum up my winter break 2016

some pictures that aren't be able to appear in my videos are now up here! mostly hangout pictures. didn't take much pictures tho because most of them are replaced by videos and also snapchat. seriously couldn't handle so many things at one time but it's okay at least it's memorable. 

Winter Break 2016 - Hangouts & Good Food!

second video is finally done! didn't film the whole holiday of mine because i find taking a camera everywhere is rather inconvenient, because my camera isn't as tiny as go pro, but it's okay, these are fine. will figure out what more videos can i film and continue this new hobby of mine before i neglect it. please do enjoy, like and subscribe! thanks. 

Winter Break 2016 - Road Trip & Island Hoping

thanks for your patience! i'd finally done editing the first video of my winter break back in Malaysia! please enjoy it <3

just a little ranting

haven't had any progress editing all my videos take in Malaysia yet, mainly because i updated my iOS (finally after 5 years) and i had to get to know how to use this computer from the very beginning. it's not as complicated tho to be honest, but i just hate changing. why can't everything remain the same without any updates going on? and also, what frustrates me the most is, my brother told me that after updating, everything will improve (computer speed, etc etc) bullshit, nonsense! i want my old computer back. everything is so slow, so lag, i don't even know how to use it anymore. what on earth is going on is this even normal?

complaining and ranting because i tried to use iMovie again just now and i can't even import any videos properly.... more patience to practice. meanwhile i'm waiting for all my videos to be moved to my desktop and see if it works. i hope my next post contains video.

short update!

neglected this place for a month and i think it's time to do some necessary updates before everyone think that i'm dead lol. got back to Malaysia for a month during my winter break as stated in previous blogspots. had so, so much fun and quality time together with family and friends. i don't even remember what had i done the whole time other than endless hangouts with everyone! filmed some videos and will start editing as soon as i'm done with the dramas i'm watching recently, heh. didn't update at all because theres something wrong with my computer and i finally updated it to the newest version, and also i barely had time staying in my room so might as well have no time for blogging. oops.

my plane landed in Taiyuan airport on the 24th and stopped for two nights to hang out with Sherry, and also to visit her new school for the next 6 months! ate so much good food and even made a song for it hahaha. we'll be hanging out quite a lot for the next 6 months and i'm really happy and am looking forward for everything.

being really unhealthy for these 3 days eating mainly instant noodles, microwave food and fast food because ain't people got money for healthy food. going to start my carbless challenge all over again with Sherry starting tomorrow!

will update as much as possible just like how i did before going back to Malaysia!

Winter Break Vlog II

Had a short trip to Taipei for only 3 nights before heading back to Malaysia, didn't really film much because it was raining! and freezing cold it even snowed, although i didn't witness it! will film as much as i can in Malaysia! 

Winter Break Vlog I

first semester officially ended

holiday starts today!! finished my last paper this morning within 20 minutes, it was damn easy wtf? and yet i'm so damn nervous and put so much effort studying every single thing until almost 3am. professor must be kidding. even my friend whom never study think it was super easy but anyway it's finally over. first ever university exam, not what i expected tho. haven't been blogging nor editing videos because i'm focusing on my finals, i seriously put a lot of effort in the exam this time, and yes hard work paid off! got some of my results and i'm very satisfied. despite the crazily difficult managerial mathematics which was completely insane. i know nothing. i'm already ready to fail for that subject but let's not talk about this.

going for picnic tomorrow with my friends, definitely filming! wait for the videos! i'm going to prepare the main dishes tomorrow and i've listed things to cook. stuffed cheese mashed potatoes, egg & corn mayo sandwiches, cola chicken wings, and lastly beef bolognese pasta (and customized mushroom pasta for my vegan friend, Heidi). very excited for tomorrow! going for grocery shopping 6am to buy the ingredients because i have no refrigerator to keep them. i hope 4 hours will be enough because i have to take 12.20pm's bus. pray that everything will be smooth!

11 more days and i'll be back into my snug crib, cannot wait to go home! all the food waiting for me already! i'm coming back soon, homies. can't wait to meet all my friends especially my main girl sherry. 15 minutes to 9 o'clock, going to take a hot shower and sleep. for those people who had also ended their semester, happy holiday!!!

final week gone cray

i'm a sweet potato

listing down things to be done terrifies me, a lot. tho i've marked up half of the list but then still, this week will be busy like don't know what. of all the to-do items, one of them is tons of re-do service education (hehe) because i did skip a lot during normal days because i just couldn't wake up on friggin' 7am in the morning. couldn't help leh, but thanks to those relax mornings and now i had to re-do 3 more additional times this week in order to make my marks not to be deducted. should go for a re-do session this morning but couldn't wake up, because i slept 3am last night, talking with sherry (not blaming you) so i went in the afternoon. 10 minutes after me starting picking up cigarettes and rubbish using tongs and bucket, i don't know what the hell happened and i fell down. hahaha my bucket of cigarettes butts fell all over the floor.  i quickly stand up and pick up all the cigarette butts as my group leader came and bring me to the toilet. omg damn embarrassing? whole group of people watch me fall wtf. in fact i don't think they saw me fall but saw me sitting on the ground after hearing the noise made by bucket and tongs falling. i actually fell down twice within one week, i also fell down last week before the midnight singing session by the roadside. don't know whats wrong with me.

didn't know why i am blogging this embarrassing moment, just something to write. haven't been blogging nor vlogging because my time didn't allow me to. couldn't sleep in so might as well blog a little. 7pm just now i decided to sleep and wake up early tomorrow morning but then it was a bad idea. woke up 9pm and couldn't sleep back. good job. tmr will be a long day, service education in both morning and evening, group discussion also both in morning 9-12am and night 6-10pm. managerial math class in the afternoon for three hours. should snug back to my bed now, goodnight.

Happy 2016, Happy New Year.

How did you guys spend your countdown! Party? or just snug in your warm blanket and bed? i went for countdown alone. in fact, i didn't even go out. the idea of staying in my dorm alone, playing guitar borrowed from my friend's boyfriend, eating food relaxingly without having sore legs the next morning is amazing. in addition, i can watch the beautiful fireworks right on my room's balcony. so why go out to the packed crowd? maybe you would say that going out has more counting down feel, but i like the way i celebrate alone. maybe even if i have a boyfriend, i still wouldn't go out. staying at home is the best! (okay sorry i'm just old enough to have this kind of mindset). anyways, enjoy the video :)